frellnik: (blueflower)
[personal profile] frellnik
The Huffington Post recently did a 6 part series of articles on "Asexuality".  You can find it here: Asexuality: The 'X' in a Sexual World

As most people who know me know, I am asexual, so I was very interested in what they had to say. These articles are very well written and quite accurate and I read them all quickly (as in, couldn't stop reading, yesterday).  A friend of mine, [livejournal.com profile] darkestnight01, wrote a post, after reading these articles, on what it is like for him to be asexual.  I have to say, I could not have written it better myself if I had been paid to do so.  Funnily enough, even though he lives on the other side of the planet and we have only met once in person, he used the exact same analagy to explain what it's like to be Asexual to people as I use.  I asked him if I could share his post and has said it was fine.  So, if you are interested in a new perspective on the world (or the world from the eyes of an "Ace") please read under the cut.



Asexuality basically means that a person feels no sexual attraction towards other people. I don't know why it is so hard for most of the people to grasp. There is sexual attraction to the opposite sex, attraction to the same sex, attraction to both sexes, attraction to a person no matter what gender and sex, so isn't it logical that there's  a minus to a plus? Sexual attraction to no one?

The first thing to know is - having no Sexual Attraction does not mean we are broken. In most cases we have a libido and a sex drive albeit it may be lower than usual and every doctor would attest us to be perfectly healthy in body and mind. Asexuality ranges from being repulsed by the idea of sex to having sex like everyone else. The important thing is the missing sexual attraction to other people. And that's where it gets hard for people to get. What is sexual attraction? How can it not be there? How does it feel to not have it? At all? Is that even a normal life?

I have long thought about how to explain it to someone and I'm trying to explain it to you, if you're still with me at this point. You have to follow my lead and use your imagination for a bit.

First of all - you're still you. With your past relationships, with your sexual experience, with your way of thinking. And one morning you wake up in a world where everything's the same with the only difference of the fact that it's completely normal to have sex with your family (indulge me, I know it's a big NO and squick and disgusting thing for everyone). But just imagine - everyone around you tells you how good the sex was they'd had last night with their sibling, or their parents. But it's not just your friends - it's everywhere. Adverts, shows, movies, game shows, sitcoms, everywhere. And then you look at your parents and your family and you wonder how in hell someone would want to have sex with them. You feel absolutely no urge to even see them naked in any form. You don't want to touch them in any other way than platonic, like hugging your mum, or poking your younger sibling when they annoy you. And now try to hold that feeling of sexual indifference and maybe disgust and spread it over every other person on the planet (only when it comes to sex of course).

Every human being on the planet feels to us like a member of our family when it comes to sex. Or like a woman to a heterosexual woman. A man to a heterosexual man. A person of the opposite sex to a homosexual person. You're a woman and not lesbian? Try imagining having sex with a woman. For some it's repulsive, some are indifferent, but you wouldn't actively seek it out, because you're not sexually attracted to them.

We still see when someone is really good looking, even hot. Our brains just never take that next step to "omg, I wanna jump their bones and fuck them". We see beauty, we can still be attracted to someone's looks, to someone's character, to their smile, their hair, their eyes. It just never ends with the need to strip them off their clothes and push our genitals together. Ugh. A lot of us can fall in love with people (when we don't identify as aromantic, but that goes a bit to far now) and a lot of us want to be in a relationship. And I don't mean just a deep friendship, a real relationship, with dates and a deep connection on a personal and emotional level. We want a person we do things with we wouldn't normally do with friends from work, school or university. Sex and love and romance are not inextricably connected. Sex is not the sole proof for a working relationship (Some people might want to reconsider their view of relationships if they think otherwise) and we are not broken for not wanting it.

But lots of people think we're broken and before I knew asexuality existed, I felt broken. Imagine growing up in that world I described above. You're the only person you know that doesn't want to have sex with your family. People tell you to just date them, because if you don't date them, how can you know you wouldn't like it. Maybe you haven't found the right family member? Try your uncle, he's older and experienced, or your younger nephew because he's so cute and enthusiastic and you're like OMG STOP IT NO I DON'T WANT TO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

That's how the world is for us. Sex is simply everywhere. It's impossible to avoid. Books, movies, shows, adverts, even for food wtf, everywhere half naked people advertising products with sex. I can't even remember when I've read the last book without a detailed and prolonged sex scene, even if the book would have worked perfectly fine without it. It feels as if it just gets thrown into everything because sex sells. And sometimes I wonder if the only people who realize it are the ones who have no interest in sex. This whole society it based on sex. It gets to the point where you get discriminated for not wanting something that's supposedly our genetic imperative. What. Fuck off. I am quite happy I'm not under the influence of my body thankyouverymuch. I don't say everybody is like that. I know a lot of people view homosexuality, gay marriage as something completely normal, but when it comes to not having sex they raise an eyebrow. We are not celibate. We don't choose to be this way, just like a gay person doesn't choose to be gay. We just happen to be born like this and it would be really kind if people would just accept us like that. The comments in the article I posted above, show me that there's a long way to go and when I read stuff like "healing rape to wake your sex drive up" I get sick.

okay, I think this got long enough already. If you're still with me, I thank you very much. The world needs to know about it, so less teenagers feel as if they're broken and wrong and less people are desperate because they're in a decades long marriage where the sex with their partner leaves them cold without knowing why and feeling as if they're betraying their partner by not wanting to have sex with them.

Thank you for your attention. *steps from soap box*
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